Figuring Things Out

I had another emotional breakdown. They are coming harder and more frequently than they used to. If I don't get it together, I'm going to end up in therapy. Hubby was wonderful, as usual. He was the one who had to get me to talk. I swear we reverse the typical roles! Isn't the man supposed to be the non-communicative one? I just didn't want to burden him again. My stuff, as I've said before, just seems so trivial. But, he made sure to tell me over and over that it isn't and that I should talk to him when I get this way or it makes things worse (You know, blowing up over every little thing he says. Stuff like that). It also came out that I'm still dissatisfied with my appearance. I didn't even realize I was, until I started to talk. He again told me how great I'm doing and how proud he is of me. He also said that I am slowly becoming someone that he knows I'm not. He said that he knows I'm strong and determined. That, when I set my mind to something, there's no stopping me. I just have to get to that place. Personally, I thought I was there, but I guess not with all the issues that were spilling out of me.

Of course, it didn't help to step on the scale every day this weekend. I know that's a total trap, and I'm sure it spurned all sorts of problems (i.e. my emotional breakdown). He gave me some advice and soothed my nerves, but the hard part is on my side. I have to stay strong and faithful. I have to say, to myself, that I'm worth it and that I can make things in my life better. No one can do this but me. It's so damn difficult to do these things when you feel so emotionally weak. I'm like a newborn without a blanket...totally exposed and vulnerable to all the elements. My advice to myself when I first started to work here, back in 2001 was, not to let what others say or do get me down. Not to wear my heart on my sleeve. I should just do the best job that I can and block everything else out.

I think I'm going to bring in my own computer speakers and start wearing my headphones again (the new XP Dell ones I have, don't have a headphone jack). I can block out some of the surrounding negativity that I just don't need in my life right now (I'm talking about the coworkers I sit around that bitch about everything here). As soon as they start in, I start in and that doesn't make things better. It just brings me down even more. Yeah. I think that's what I'll do (I just have to remember to do it).

Meanwhile, I'll just focus on what I'm doing and think about our plans for home this week. We're going to paint our bedroom (Thank God!). The lady of the house who lived in our home previously was a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom). She had a huge garden in the backyard and sewed all of the draperies in the house. They were hideous! There's also this horrendous floral stenciling bordering the walls of our bedroom. I can't wait to see that disappear. We've got a cool color plan in mind that will blend with the decor of our pale pink bathroom (it was tricky, but I think it will look nice). Hubby is also planning on installing the remainder of the doors in our basement, then begin work on the tile. If I keep my "eyes on the prize" (the completion of our basement), we may just be able to have it all done before Christmas. That would be wonderful and, finally, something good and satisfying in my life again.