Feeling Blue

I didn't work out this morning...not because I didn't get up in time. On the contrary! I stirred slightly before my alarm went off. I got up and starred at the clock. I felt a heaviness on my chest and an ache in my heart. Our neighbor, I found out last night, passed away. I wanted to cry yesterday, but couldn't muster the tears. Instead, I was moody and indifferent to my hubby and I separated myself from the family. We watched a movie together, but I just couldn't enjoy it fully. This morning, I fussed at my daughter about leaving home without her gloves. I was so irritated, I barely allowed the kiss goodbye (I know, so wrong).

After I pulled away from the school, I asked God to change my mood and lighten my heart. I couldn't' figure out why I was so aggravated. Then, I cried. I cried for his family. I cried for his daughter and the twin boys he's leaving behind. I cried for his girlfriend who may have become his wife in the future. I cried for all those people who loved him. Then, I cried because he was young and it could have been my hubby or me. He was 33 years old.

Tonight was to be the night I start my water aerobics. Hubby told me that they wouldn't be having the class because of something they were doing to the pool. If my mood wasn't in the state that it's in, I might actually be a bit disappointed but I honestly don't care. What I'm thinking about is his daughter who, when she's sixteen, will regale the story of her father to friends...her story will be riddled with memories her brothers will never know. When she eventually marries, he won't be there in his dress blues to walk her down the aisle. By the time she's thirty, will she have forgotten things? Probably. It makes me so sad.

So, perhaps I'll get a workout in this evening, after the viewing. I may need some sort of strenuous activity to get my mind off things. The eating is still going well and I still haven't weighed since Sunday (TOM is still around). My hope is to be at a round 190 by Sunday. We'll see.