Emotions Simmering

I woke up at 4, but I wasn't interested in working out. I shook my husband lightly who, amazingly, stirred at the first push. I needed to find out what was going on in his head. Why he had come to bed late every night this week. Why he showered my daughter with love and happiness, but only gave me the cold shoulder. There's a lot going on, I know but it was feeling more and more like resentment. I just needed to hear from him if my suspicions were correct. He said that his quietness for the last few days wasn't about me. That if he'd been snippy or short, that he hadn't meant to be...that he's just "dealing with things". Well, I can understand that. I'm dealing with the same things. In fact, some of my stuff isn't even worth his worry because I know he's dealing with so much. He asked me to tell him what was going on in my mind. I was hesitant, as I always am with my issues. I always feel like they're so small compared to what he's enduring (him being the man, double-standard or not, he feels the weight of the family rests on his shoulders and his shoulders alone), why should I plague him with my stuff? At any rate, he got it out of me.

Lately, I've been having drama with my mother (she isn't even aware of it, but she will be when I have lunch with her tomorrow). She makes all kinds of snide remarks like, "I'm so glad my children are grown," and "____isn't as well behaved as my children were," or, "She doesn't listen to me." Mind you, it's just small stuff but, still it bothers the crap out of me. When I first became pregnant with the babe, I would ask my mother if she was excited about the new baby or becoming a grandmother. She'd very plainly tell me, "no", and say that she'd already raised her children. It wasn't a big deal. That same attitude has persisted and the babe feels it, I know (it's true what they say...children are very perceptive). My mother has never been the matronly type and she's definitely not the grandmother type. She never wants to spend time with the babe and on the rare occasions she does, she always harps about the babe's attitude towards her or her behavior. It feels as if she's saying, without actually saying it, "You're not as good a mother as I was." It's starting to make me crazy. Besides all that, she's turning into one of those bitter old people that does nothing but complain. She's so judgmental and negative about everyone and everything! I will do my best to tactfully talk about these things with her, but I know her better than anyone. I'm almost certain she'll write it off and not take anything I say to heart. Hubby says that I'm assuming and making prejudgements myself by thinking that's what she'll do and maybe I am but, something tells me I'm right about this call. (God, I hope I'm not). I guess I'll see on the morrow.

Despite all of the craziness, I'm doing well on my plan. I think I can pinpoint the exact reason why: it is the one thing I can control in my life, right now. Seems accurate, don't you think? My job maybe gone in 8 months (who knows), my daughter will be out of daycare in 8 months, I may have to sell my home and I'm almost certain I'll have to take some bogus, part-time job that's unfullfilling and pays nothing, in order to be there for my daughter. Hey, that's chaos at it's best. I, however, can determine what goes into my mouth and how much I exercise. And that's what it's about, so often with women who are trying to loose weight...the control. On a subconscious level, I probably decided that if I lost control of this final element in my life, then there's nothing. I will have succeeded with enveloping myself in total chaos...it's pretty much my biggest fear.

I wish there was something happy going on, besides the weight loss, to kind of put things in balance. We're supposed to go to Florida, but I can't even think about that right now. It will need to be sooner rather than later but, ugh! That's just more drama. Being the eternal optimist, I'll just continue to hope and pray that things will get better and maybe all that good karma I sent out will make it's way back to me.