It's official. I am now thirty years old. Do I feel different? Nah. I've been feeling thirty since around September. It's cool and I'm so cool with it. Actually, it's a great deal better than being twenty, when you're unsure of who you are and where you're going and what in the world your purpose is. I still feel that some times, but I'm definitely more sure of myself.

Yesterday, I received the most beautiful, purple, potted tulips from a coworker. I also received a bottle of champagne from my side-kick, who now works with me. Then, a big bunch took me to lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, Cafe Trang (It's a Vietnamese/vegetarian bistro that has the world's best lo mein, truly!). My hubby took me to McGrath's Fish House, which was wonderful and romantic. I had their Crab Celebration special which was absolutely to die for! I swear, I could eat crabs everyday. When we lived in Florida, I could never get enough. (Thank goodness their good for you.) Afterwards, we indulged in the Apple Crisp and shared it for dessert. When we got home, I turned down the covers to get into bed and out popped the first and second seasons of Seinfeld. Altogether, I'd say it was a red-letter birthday. I'm looking forward to the future and all it has to offer, especially since this year will prove to be the most bewildering (but exciting) year I've had in a long time.

I'll be at the gym during lunch and I plan on hitting the forty-five minute mark today. It should help in breaking down yesterday's splurges. Thank the Lord I've survived another year.

It's an amazing concept, and a difficult place to achieve. I find that there are times in my life where I feel peace, and I'm not confusing this with contentment. This peace that sometimes settles upon me is much more profound and invigorating than contentment. With contentment, there's the slightest bit of "what if I had.." lurking behind it. This time, I drove to my peace.

The past few days, here in the valley, have been quite mucky. We've had a nasty inversion (for those of you who do not pine away your days watching the weather channel, I'll give you the gist of an inversion). A high pressure front will sometimes move over our state. When this happens, it's like a blockade for everything else, including moisture (that's snow and rain). This front will actually trap in all of the smog and yuck for days, sometimes weeks without any sign of relief. It usually takes another pressure front (low) or a serious storm or wind to push it away. We've been suffering with this one for about two weeks. All the stuff in the air can make you cough something wicked and it keeps the sun at bay, which can aid in the winter blahs. Friday, I'd had enough and had decided that I would drive up into the mountains to get away from it for a bit.

Saturday morning, the babe and I set out for our adventure. We've made this drive plenty of times but, I wanted to make a couple of stops first. I succeeded in getting us very lost in the process, but eventually made my way of Weber canyon. Breathtaking! Every time we make this drive I am amazed at how beautiful it is. Of course, I didn't think to bring my camera but I have taken loads of pictures of it in the past. Anyway, we made our way up and out of all of the smog. The narrow winding road widened to expose a very frozen lake and beautiful snow capped mountains. The babe and I stopped at the end of the canyon and had lunch in an old, rustic log-cabin cafe. A roaring fire awaited, along with wonderful hot, creamy potato soup.

After lunch, we continued our drive to Huntsville, making our way to the monastery. The land was wide and vast, covered in snow and glistening under the bright sun light. It was magnificent. We exited the car and went to the gift shop, just at the opening of the dormitory. Father Patrick greeted us with a smile and allowed us to roam the shop freely. I picked up a St. Francis of Assisi medallion (I am not catholic, but he is the patron saint of animals and I've always felt close to him) and a prayer book for the babe. I also purchased honey that the trappists monks there make. Once we made our purchases, Father Patrick allowed us to visit the church. We entered the cathedral to complete silence. At the back (front) of the building was very crystalline, blue and red stained glass with the image of the virgin Mary and the baby Jesus. Flecks of gold could be seen around their heads in halo form. Just beneath the glass was an alter and to the left and right, folded seats for the choir. Several pews were located on each side of the church, with kneeling benches. Above was a balcony where several folded, wooden chairs were housed. The babe marveled while I took in it's simple beauty. We wandered around for about ten minutes, then left. The perfect ending to a lovely day.

Something settled over my heart while I was there, and it didn't surprise me in the least. There must be an amazing amount of positive energy within and around a place like this, with all the praying that is done on a day-to-day basis. I would guess that the men who live within those walls must be happy in a way that most people have never experienced. I admire their lifestyles, but I don't believe it is something I could ever do. Not because it isn't within me to do it, but because I enjoy mankind too much to be completely separated from it. As crazy as humanity can be, I don't want to be apart from it.

The weekend went well. I showed more control than I've shown over a weekend in a long time. I weighed today and showed a bit of a loss. Tomorrow is my birthday and I am allowing myself to enjoy it, but I will try not to go too overboard. I'm still aiming for complete fabulousness.

It's the 21st...hallelujah! Finally out of that blasted, stifling Capricorn period. Now, I can be expressive, inventive and carefree...well, at least I have an excuse to try to be expressive, inventive and carefree.

Hubby and I are talking again, thank God! It was a soulful night of reaching out that we had last night. We're both sad about the impending loss of our house, but are happy about making a new start. Man, it sounds like we're filing bankruptcy or something. Trust me, we haven't resorted to those measures and I sure hope we never do. We've just determined that selling our house and moving back into an apartment was the best way to conserve money and allow me the ability to work part time, in order to see to the Babe's needs once school starts. All this will have to happen before August, of course. January is nearly over. I've got a pretty good idea of how fast August will get here. A new spice to the pot? We're leaving Utah...I think. Well, I told hubby that I was okay now with moving, if that was something he still wanted to do. I think it rejuvenated him because he called and had all these ideas of places were we could go. Places with warmer climates and less snow, places where black people aren't stared at like freaks at a freak show, places where mormons and conservatives do not reign. I, myself had done my own bit of research. If we had our druthers, we'd want to be in California. I hope that can happen for us, but who knows. We're pretty flexible. As long as there's steady work and good schools, we'll be fine.

I'm really doing well (the control thing again). I've decided that weekends will be the ultimate test, since I tend to lax so much during those troublesome days each week. I know if I can maintain my drive and control during Saturday and Sunday, it will only help to aid in the process. I've seen it before! Just looking at my spreadsheet tells me that the most dramatic losses occurred when I was drinking my water regularly, exercising and maintaining my diet for an entire 7-day week period.

It was a pretty good day, overall. I've got a lot on my mind with all the talk of moving, but I'm continuing to look forward to the future. I knew this year would bring change, but boy, the changes that are to be had!

I woke up at 4, but I wasn't interested in working out. I shook my husband lightly who, amazingly, stirred at the first push. I needed to find out what was going on in his head. Why he had come to bed late every night this week. Why he showered my daughter with love and happiness, but only gave me the cold shoulder. There's a lot going on, I know but it was feeling more and more like resentment. I just needed to hear from him if my suspicions were correct. He said that his quietness for the last few days wasn't about me. That if he'd been snippy or short, that he hadn't meant to be...that he's just "dealing with things". Well, I can understand that. I'm dealing with the same things. In fact, some of my stuff isn't even worth his worry because I know he's dealing with so much. He asked me to tell him what was going on in my mind. I was hesitant, as I always am with my issues. I always feel like they're so small compared to what he's enduring (him being the man, double-standard or not, he feels the weight of the family rests on his shoulders and his shoulders alone), why should I plague him with my stuff? At any rate, he got it out of me.

Lately, I've been having drama with my mother (she isn't even aware of it, but she will be when I have lunch with her tomorrow). She makes all kinds of snide remarks like, "I'm so glad my children are grown," and "____isn't as well behaved as my children were," or, "She doesn't listen to me." Mind you, it's just small stuff but, still it bothers the crap out of me. When I first became pregnant with the babe, I would ask my mother if she was excited about the new baby or becoming a grandmother. She'd very plainly tell me, "no", and say that she'd already raised her children. It wasn't a big deal. That same attitude has persisted and the babe feels it, I know (it's true what they say...children are very perceptive). My mother has never been the matronly type and she's definitely not the grandmother type. She never wants to spend time with the babe and on the rare occasions she does, she always harps about the babe's attitude towards her or her behavior. It feels as if she's saying, without actually saying it, "You're not as good a mother as I was." It's starting to make me crazy. Besides all that, she's turning into one of those bitter old people that does nothing but complain. She's so judgmental and negative about everyone and everything! I will do my best to tactfully talk about these things with her, but I know her better than anyone. I'm almost certain she'll write it off and not take anything I say to heart. Hubby says that I'm assuming and making prejudgements myself by thinking that's what she'll do and maybe I am but, something tells me I'm right about this call. (God, I hope I'm not). I guess I'll see on the morrow.

Despite all of the craziness, I'm doing well on my plan. I think I can pinpoint the exact reason why: it is the one thing I can control in my life, right now. Seems accurate, don't you think? My job maybe gone in 8 months (who knows), my daughter will be out of daycare in 8 months, I may have to sell my home and I'm almost certain I'll have to take some bogus, part-time job that's unfullfilling and pays nothing, in order to be there for my daughter. Hey, that's chaos at it's best. I, however, can determine what goes into my mouth and how much I exercise. And that's what it's about, so often with women who are trying to loose weight...the control. On a subconscious level, I probably decided that if I lost control of this final element in my life, then there's nothing. I will have succeeded with enveloping myself in total chaos...it's pretty much my biggest fear.

I wish there was something happy going on, besides the weight loss, to kind of put things in balance. We're supposed to go to Florida, but I can't even think about that right now. It will need to be sooner rather than later but, ugh! That's just more drama. Being the eternal optimist, I'll just continue to hope and pray that things will get better and maybe all that good karma I sent out will make it's way back to me.

I tried on one of my skirts today, a neat little number with a subtle animal print...about 4 inches above the knee...size medium. It was not cute. I mean, it didn't look horrible, but I've definitely seen it looking better on me (sans the big bubble that is my belly, just above my knees). If for nothing else, I have to drop these few, troublesome pounds in order to get back into my cute clothes (comfortably). I've gotten off to a good start, as I've said earlier. It's going to be a difficult road, you know, especially with all the drama going on in my life, but I will persevere!

I changed my spreadsheet a bit, to reflect WW points now. I thought I'd give it a go and see where it takes me. Couldn't hurt, right? Besides, it's basically what I'm doing already, except they incorporate fiber and protein, where my plan does not (it really should). I even ate cottage cheese this morning. It was okay. I didn't remember what it tasted like and I had hubby buy me some a week or so ago, since I haven't had any since probably childhood. It's not something I'd want to eat all the time, that's for sure. I know it's a great source of protein and has very few calories so, maybe I'll have to (in the beginning) to aid in the process.

Hubby and I aren't talking a lot right now. We're both going through stuff and I think we're trying to spare each other of our trials. This is not a good thing, since we should be sharing. A lot of times, I'm very selfish about my problems, you know, not wanting to burden anyone else with them (especially my hubby). He's got a part-time job now (along with his full timer), he's still working on the basement and now he's working on getting new carpet in? It's insane! Plus, I know he's gotten really homesick and wants to see his family. Meanwhile, I'm trying to plan this Florida trip all while knowing that my job may be gone in 8 months, along with our house. Good Lord! What's a woman to do! Oh, and the thirtieth birthday will be here next week. Next week?!

Yeah, okay. I think I need an addiction for a while. I choose French Vanilla Cappuccinos. They're only 2 points and a great treat, in my book. To allow myself the addiction without the added guilt, it will be decaffeinated (not much of an addiction is it). Well, never mind. Who needs to stress of trying to break an addiction anyway! (Did you see that? I started and overcame in one paragraph. I wish life were so easy).

My hair is coming back. I don't think I mentioned that I shaved a bunch of it off. Don't worry. It's really not as bad as it sounds. There's still a lot on the top and it's growing in quite healthy. Hubby took off the back and got it down to about half an inch. He didn't want me to, but he said that if I had to do it (hair was falling out in clumps) that he'd much rather help me, in case I messed it up. Getting it healthy. That's the goal. I pretty much fried it with all of the coloring I was doing. I've gotten the color bug out of my system, now. I'm sure it will be another ten years before I do that again. So, who knows what I'll do next (thank goodness for my wigs).

Well, Aunt Flow showed up the evening of the fourteenth. I was somewhat relieved, somewhat saddened at its arrival. You know, not that I need any extra stress in my life but, a new baby is still exciting. Oh, well. I just figure it's not time yet and that's okay.I had my review and brought up the "work from home" request again, beginning in August (if at all possible). It was met with a maybe, and a side of "probably not" response. So, that means I'll have to find a part-time job in the city where we live and save up enough to keep me a float till that job comes. But, we'll probably have to sell our house and settle for a condo. Oh, how I'll miss my house! I love my house! But, the babe comes first and I'll do what I have to for her.I spent most of yesterday and Friday crying...mourning the loss of my house. I figure, better to get it out of the way now rather than be crushed and devastated in August or whenever it happens (if, but most likely will). I need to be happy when the babe goes to school, or I'll really be depressed was on the elliptical trainer for 35 minutes today at lunch (trying to build up to 45, which shouldn't be too difficult). I've gotta get movtivated and get up at 4:00a again for that extra cardio in the mornings. With the rough weekend, I didn't get a lot of sleep. I'll keep working at it. I'll try and stay positive. It's 2005, after all.

Something's going on. (I'm going to be specific, so if you're squeamish, leave now and wait for Monday...) During the month of December, my hubby and I were "gettin' it on" regularly. Well, most of the time we are able to control our passions and reach for the Trojans (I don't do birth control pills, shots or insertions. I can't. The first and only time I took it, it made me crazy. I spotted the entire time and cried at everything. I ended up ditching the last four pills and gave them to my girlfriend, who gave them to her plants. They were much happier about the hormone dosage than I was.) . Besides, the Trojans have always served us well and we've had no complaints, once we found the right type. -Anyway, back to what I was saying- There were a couple of times we didn't dip into hubby's trusty, bedside drawer. We weren't really worried because it took my body two years to adapt to his sperm and conceive. Well, it may be that body adaptation got a turbo boost.

New Year's day, me and the family were at the Virgin River Casino, enjoying a nice buffet breakfast. Afterwards, we adjourned for the restrooms. As I looked down at the crotch of my underwear, there was a noticeable amount of blood. Now, most would say, "Oh, flow's in town. Let me whip out the tampon or the pad," but flow had already visited just a week before, so it wasn't her. I would say, a bit more than a spotty amount is what I saw. I was immediately transported back to the winter of 1999 when I saw the same thing, shortly after learning I was pregnant. I finished, walked out of the bathroom and told my hubby what I thought. The entire ride from Mesquite to Las Vegas, we talked about the possibility of a baby and how a second child would change our lives. We were a bit fearful, but excited.

When we returned to our condo in southern Utah that evening, hubby and I stopped for cheapy pregnancy tests. I knew that it was a slim chance that I would see anything, especially since I hadn't missed a period yet and there would be very little if any of the detection hormone. I took the test and it was a flat negative. Well, I already told you all about my episode on 1/05 (see my entry). When I went to the doctor, I did mention the spotting. He asked if I could be pregnant and I said, "Yeah. It's possible". He told me to wait until a day after my period shows because anything before would be a waist of money (where was he New Year's day??). It's weird because I think I've been doing the PMS thing, these past few days and I've got one of those period pimples in my nose (you know, the kind that hurt like hell and then just disappear as quickly as they show up?) so, I'm not sure what to think.

Notice today's date? Yep. I'm still spotting, and with benefits. There are congealed elements (see, I told I'd get detailed) that look a bit like clots, but much, much darker. I asked my mother about the spotting last night on my way home from work and the first thing out of her mouth was, "Could you be pregnant?"
"Well, yeah. I could be."
"Hmm. Thirteen days. That's the only thing I can think of."
"But,thirteen days of implantation spotting? Really?"
"Well, maybe your implanting twins."
(Nice answer, mom).

Well, to say the least, I will be using the second part of the test I bought in southern Utah, next week, if this is still going on. I'm still not completely sure what to think about all this. I have the babe starting regular school this coming fall (wow), possibly a new baby coming (double, wow) and my life twirling around in front of me (Oh, and I have my annual review with my boss this afternoon. Nice.). Of course, I've always believed children are blessings and I also believe God never gives you anything that you can't handle. It's still a great deal to think about. Something that also came to mind is the fact that my best friend is getting married this summer. Oh, man. If I'm too far along, I won't be able to fly, but I have to be there. Driving to Nashville in the middle of summer, and pregnant, does not sound fun at all. Ughh! See? A lot to think about.

Meanwhile, I've already decided that I will continue working out and eating healthy, two important steps I did not take when pregnant with my first child. I've learned my lesson there. I'll be sure to post, just as soon as I find out (okay, maybe a few hours after I wake up from passing out), but that won't be until next week. I'll be officially late (if I am) on Wednesday.

Tuesday was the 8-year anniversary of being with my husband. I said, "I love you," to him exactly 8 years ago. I took the day off and we went to the movies. We saw The Forgotten. It was great, until the end when it totally coped out. I sometimes wonder if writers run out of steam or if their getting pressure from the movie execs about time crunches. Either way, they do themselves a true disservice by not creating to their full potential. Run out of steam? Stop and come back to it later...years, if need be. Movie time constraints? Rip up your contract (okay, so I know it's not that easy).

The entire day was rainy and we spent most of it running to stay dry. We had lunch at Pei Wei, which was tasty for me (Pad Thai with Chicken), but not so impressive to my hubby (Mongolian Chicken). It was also very crowded and they sat us at a table too small for a toddler. I gave him the first season of The Shield as a gift. He was ecstatic! I received my gift last night...he's returned to day-shift. Hallelujah! I was so happy, I wanted to cry. Graveyards have been hard for us. He never gets enough rest and I don't get to see him like I want to. He felt the same way. He also warned me that if he gets the job he wants at the airport, he may have to go to swing shift. Ughh! That's even worse, but we'll make do. We always do.

I've been thinking a lot about all this craziness with the weather everywhere. It's really frightening. You can't tell me that the Tsunami didn't effect everyone. An earthquake of that magnitude is bound to effect, not only the very traumatic events we saw but also the way the weather is impacted. The whole of North America seems to be swimming in water of some sort, whether it be snow or rain. Places that never get snow, are now getting it...places that typically have harsh winters, aren't seeing the worst in a century. I just hope mother earth is calmed soon. So many people have lasts their lives in recent weeks. I feel for their families. The photos of the Tsunami, the mudslides in California, the flooding here and in other parts of the country, just make me want to cry.

I've lost two pounds since last week. I've gotten off to a good start and seem to be going full steam ahead. My little one was coughing something wicked this morning. I hope I don't get another call. I suppose that's what the fever was last weekend...her body trying to kill the cold (or whatever this is) that was trying to attack. Well, it succeeded. I just want her to get better soon, poor thing. She was up and down all night. I didn't get a lot of sleep and I was kind of snippy to her. I hope we both feel better before the day's end.

The strangest thing happened Tuesday afternoon. I was on the elliptical trainer and after about five minutes I got incredibly nauseated. I went another five minutes and it got worse. Thinking I should just work through it, I continued and at the sixteen minute mark, I got off, nearly ready to pass out. It was so weird! I stumbled into the locker room and immediately called my hubby. I could barely hold the phone, let alone get dressed (which I know is totally gross). I'm sure I grossed out the ladies at the gym, who had just showered and were changing while all this was going on.

I made my way back to the office to get my purse and keys, I then headed to the daycare to pick up the little one. I made an appointment and saw my doctor an hour later. He gathered it was a mild case of gastrointenitis (sp?) but I clearly didn't have all of the symptoms. So, I went home and took a two-hour nap. By Friday, I was getting a call from the daycare telling me that the babe had a 102.5 temperature. Not good. I raced over and picked her up. As soon as we got home, down with the Children's motrin. Poor kid. She was like a 29 lb furnace for two days. Yesterday was the first day without a fever and her appetite had returned. All seems to be well on the home front. I just hope hubby doesn't get whatever this is.

Meanwhile, I totally went over board on the comfort foods during the weekend (The week went great). I worked out this morning for forty-five minutes and totally felt it. Boy oh boy, what a couple of days of splurging can do to a body. You'd think I would have learned by now. Humans are just hard-headed in general, I think.

Well, it's back to work. There are 184 emails waiting for me to do something with them. I wish I could just highlight them all and push delete. I wonder how that would go over!

I gotta tell yah, I am so happy that the new year is here. It just couldn't get here fast enough. 2004 really blew and I mean from start to finish. There were a few small highlights, but all the bad just seem to overshadow them. When the new year ball dropped and everyone screamed, I screamed right along with them. Holding my hubby close, I made optimistic promises that I know I will keep.

This site is about my weight loss journey, but also about my personal journey. For the first time in my life, I know who I am. I am comfortable with who I am and I am at peace. For years, I think I was swimming around trying to find me - dressing myself up in new ways and allowing myself to synch-up with whomever I found interesting. It's not about finding the pieces of you in others so much as it is finding out how the real you gels with everyone else. The real me is not glamorous on the outside. I look more home bodyish than anything, and that's okay. I have average-sized feet and am way short. My teeth are crooked and I have myopia. My arms are huge for a girl, but I have the tiniest fingers. As with any woman, I deal with my little insecurities but, you know what's important? I am kind. I believe in people, no matter how much they don't believe in themselves. I am loyal and trustworthy. People feel comfortable talking to me. I have repoire with nearly everyone I meet and I am genuinely missed when I leave a place. I am a pop culture nut and can remember minute details about some things, and miss them entirely in others. That is who I am. That is me, no matter how much weight I put on or take off, no matter how many colors I dye my hair, no matter where I may live.

So, I will be here, most days (I can't promise everyday because "life" is always happening) working hard to get fit and into shape and trying desperately not to lose my sanity in the process. It's a work in progress, this me...and, I'm okay with that.